I found I was tying myself in.
It is way too soon to be doing that, but in some ways I have found it reassuring. If it all goes pear-shaped tomorrow, I have work that will be ok to produce that has some merit. But that really isn’t the point is it?
So I gave myself a jolly good talking to, on the top of the safety net/security blanket of “it’ll be ok if…”
I need to remember that this time is precious for the art of play. It is far too soon to be doing settling, however reassuring!
So I let go.
I let go of the presumptions that just because something is like this now, it has to stay this way. Particularly with some of the songs. I have initial recordings from when they were written, in a couple of cases, actually three years ago. I have been listening to them like this, but I am free to ask the question “Does it need to stay like this?” The answer is most definitely “NO!”
Same with the drawings. Not everything I try needs to be exhibitable. Indeed it’s far better at this stage if it is NOT. I need to free myself up to play.
This can be the double edged sword of the funded art activity though. The responsibility of being publicly funded can mean you feel obliged to make it ALL worthy. It really doesn’t have to be like that. In my case it MUSTN’T be like that, otherwise the project period will finish with me in exactly the same place as when I started but will a slightly higher polished finish, but with the work no further on!
And what is the point of that?
I have to say though, this can be my default tendency. I have become better at recognising it, stepping back, ripping it up and starting again. But it can be a bit scary, when you look at a good drawing and a good song and think “That’s ok, that!” And then I have to tell myself that that sort of attitude never got anyone anywhere. That’s not pushing hard enough. It’s not good enough if it is comfortable. I have to teeter on the edge a bit.