As I inch closer to a decision made in someone else’s mind about my proposed project, despite the positive vibes, I find myself asking the internal question “What if they say no?”

And then the supplementary question “What if they say yes, but the Arts Council say no?” 

I’ve got too far in my thinking to back out of this completely.

If they say I can’t play in the woods, can I make do with the rest of the village? Can I sit in the long grass on the common?  Can I be happy with activities based in the school, the church? On the fringes? And can I still write an application that is meaningful without working in the woods that started it all? I’m not sure. I’m not sure I can find the meaningful in skirting round the edges…

So then, what if they say yes, but the arts council say no?

How much of this can I finance myself?

Each visit is a sixty mile round trip. In a time of unpredictable fuel prices? Can I still give time unpaid to the school and the nursery, and the church? How many times in a year can I do this trip, work in the woods? What is the lowest number of days I can do but still make it a meaningful proposition?

And the worst question is what do I do without it at all? My practice has been pointing me towards this… is the thought of what I do instead completely unthinkable? At the moment I see no alternative. So much so I am having difficulty doing anything at all in the studio. I am in this limbo-land where nothing seems to make any sense. I turn up, do a bit of drawing, tidy up, move the furniture around a bit, then move it back again…

So I wait. 

In the meantime I shall do some work with The Fish Collective, there’s plenty to do there to keep me busy and engaged in something productive and valuable while I re-direct… if I have to…