As I approach my 65th birthday, while writing a proposal for Arts Council funding, I am taking a close look at myself. 

The project, to all intents and purposes, is about identity. How did the woman I am now grow up from the child I was then? How has that childhood, with those parents, in that place, made me who I am?

Decisions made for me in my childhood certainly shaped things. Not going to the village school separated me from the children in the village. But going to a primary school three miles from my home also separated me from after school and weekend activities with those I went to school with… remember this was the 1960s, we had no car, and no phone until much later. My closest friend was probably my neighbours’ granddaughter, who visited most, but not every weekend.

I always felt a little on the edge of things… clever enough to go to a grammar school, but not obedient enough for them to want me to stay for A levels. Art School called, but I didn’t have enough good grades to get onto the foundation course, but too quick for the design course, I got through the year’s material in a term, so I transferred. But then I didn’t feel clever enough for that, having started later than everyone else. When I got through that and went to do a degree I still didn’t feel good enough really, and always felt “other”. I felt I knew nothing about life. I didn’t. 

How I managed to get myself into teaching I have no idea! But I did. And I taught in a variety of settings, from pre-school to post-grad, gathering qualifications along the way, for thirty five years or so.

I feel I have gathered momentum, and experience, like a snowball rolling downhill. Stuff has stuck to me. So now, at nearly 65, when other women of my age are retiring, I feel like I’m only just getting started. I only just know who I am, and I am starting to realise why I am like I am. I am itching to get started. It will be a journey of self discovery, yes, but there’s so much else going on. I don’t know how it will manifest itself, but it will include Play and Politics, the Solitary and the Social… with a side serving of class and ethics for context.

It feels like I will be gathering all my previously assembled art utterances into one place. The project will be drawn from observational drawings, recordings, social art, photography, songs, installation and writings of various types. I have a few ideas of how I want to start, but no clue where I will end up a year later.

All I have to do now is be patient, wait for everything to fall into place and hope the Arts Council say yes to me again.

*****

Meanwhile… in my studio I am finding things a bit rudderless. There could be a gap of three or four months before I know the result of my submission. I don’t know what to do with that time.